Real Battle of the Sexes

sexuality, sex blogs, sex , erotica female, eroticaHonestly, I stood back to watch as the drama unfolded.  I made a specific commitment at the beginning of the year to pick my battles, but I have rarely been able to remove myself from the sexual dogma and struggles inflicted by society on women.   As regular readers know, my parents were incredibly abusive to each other through out my whole childhood.  I have seen more bruises, broken bones, and destroyed rooms than I care to visualize.

So, when Rhianna was abused by Chris Brown, I was completely supportive of her decision to separate from her abuser.  After all, she had the opportunity to become the voice for abused women and girls all over the world.  She has the money to walk out the door and not look back….to show her ultimate self-esteem and respect for herself in an “oh no he didn’t” way.  But, when she went back to him with the simplicity of an apology, I threw her music out.  Literally, out the window of the car. 

In case you did not know, here are a few facts about abuse in the USA:

  • Forty percent of teenage girls ages 14 to 17 say they know someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend.
  • From 30 to 50 percent of female high school students reported having already experienced teen dating violence.
  • 7 percent of all murder victims were young women who were killed by their boyfriends.
  • One in five or 20 percent of dating couples report some type of violence in their relationship.
  • One of five college females will experience some form of dating violence.
  • A survey of young women, ages 15 to 24, found that 60 percent were currently involved in an ongoing abusive relationship and all participants had experienced violence in a dating relationship.
  • One study found that 38 percent of date rape victims were young women from 14 to 17 years of age.
  • A survey of adolescent and college students revealed that date rape accounted for 67 percent of sexual assaults.
  • More than half young women raped (68 percent) knew their rapist either as a boyfriend, friend or casual acquaintance.
  • Six out of 10 rapes of young women occur in their own home or a friend or relative’s home, not in a dark alley.
  • More than 4 in every 10 incidents of domestic violence involve non-married persons.

This one voice could have made a difference…but, she failed.  And, yes, I do blame her for that.  Yesterday, I heard that Rhianna was in jeopardy of losing her contract with her record label due to this choice.  Fair enough. 

But, I have one question in addition:

WHY isn’t Chris Brown’s record label threatening to revoke his contract?  He abused her.  In reality, he was the aggressor.  He is even more to blame than she because he actually abused her.  We can’t even count on the law to handle this issue because he could keep his contract and his financial status even if he goes to jail.

Confusion!  This seems like a double standard!

In this month, National Women’s History Month, there are many great strides to point to in acceptance of the progress of women.  However, IMHO, until it is acknowledged that part of the historical journey of women includes a long road of violence that includes physical and sexual abuse.  And, until that abuse ends, we have not made any progress at all.  ~~Dee

12 thoughts on “Real Battle of the Sexes

  1. I have no idea what kind of relationship these two had, but if anyone ever beat me up the way he did her I for sure would not want to see him ever again, no matter how many years we had spent together or how much I loved him. I was surprised that she did take him back and still don’t understand why. I also have no clue why he hasn’t come out and apologized, really apologized with remorse for what he did to her.
    It’s a shame that this is the example she’s setting and the message young girls are getting. It’s not ok to be abused and it’s not something one should ever go back to.

  2. Jen–I really dont understand. If someone hit me like that, it would say to me that he did not love nor value me at all. I dont want his remorse or his apology. As The Marine says, he is just a punk now. What scares me is the number of women sticking up for him. Oh please…give it a big break! Get some self-esteem and kick that beating ass man out the door. And her example is unexcuable also. She makes Britney look like a role model. ~~Dee

  3. Violence against Women is a serious issue in Australia and the Office for Women has been trying to educate men NOT to condone violence in Society let alone in the home.

    The challenge for me is the balance between “minding my own business” and stepping in to try to “calm” the situation. Fortunately I have never been in a situation severe enough to call the police but maybe I should?

    Violence Against Women
    Australia Says NO!

  4. Nigel–It does start with educating men. Moreover, it is about teaching women to have enough self-esteem not to accept that type of behavior. After all, my experience says that this was not the first time in their two year relationship that he was abusive. It was the first time that the cameras caught him.

    The Marine has had to step in one on a man beating up our neighbors 16 year old daughter (was her boyfriend–but he was 23, so he qualified as a man!). It was my proudest moment to see him wade into a fight to say that abusing a woman was not acceptable…and he has been to war for his country. Somehow, it was like he took up for my whole gender that day. And…seeing the other guy sitting on the ground in the dirt in surprise felt good too! ~~Dee

  5. There are no easy answers to the complex questions brought out in this situation… and its not a male problem… its a problem we all face… emotional, sexual and physical violence have been happening to males and females for generations … our society keeps the cycle of violence alive … we keep the cycle alive by being helpless or not understanding why or just by being mad at men (people are more than likely to have learned violent behaviours in their family as children). violence in the family will continue and prosper until all people get more information that is supportive and worthwhile… blaming men is not the answer… to those who don’t understand… i can relate… I was abused.. I get abused.. i abuse.. and i believe all people do…all! I have wondered about this challenge for over 30 years… I’m just now realizing that after educating myself by reading that I can do work to stop abusing and being abused emotionally… I must take responsibility for my actions on being abused and being abusive and i can stop my cycle of violence so my children and their children may not have that legacy.

  6. Don–I do not agree that we are helpless to prevent this problem. It is a cycle that men can stop. From being more active in the educating others and speaking out again violence, it can be done. I notice that in this situation…not one celebrity came out to say it was wrong. Not one male leader. She is going to loose her singing contract for making a bad moral choice…he is not. It is a male problem — IMHO — as a child of abuse who absolutely will not allow abuse in my adult life, I believe we have to stop it.

    BTW….it is true that some men are abuse by women. It is rare, but should not be overlooked as a fact. ~~Dee

  7. As a follow up to my previous comment… I am reading “the emotionally abusive relationship” book chapter 8 (when your partner has a personality disorder) and I saw a relevant paragraph I would like to share. Pg 183 of the hardcover 2002 publication.

    One of my goals for this chapter is to humanize these two personality disorders (BPD and NPD), since they have both been demonized by the media and even by some in the professional community. Many people view those suffering from personality disorders as freaks who are beyond help. This is absolutely not true. Those who suffer from BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder suffer from an illness as surely as those with depression or schizophrenia and many are victims of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse as children. Since the descriptions and the behavior of those who suffer from both BPD and NPD seem so negative, those diagnosed with these disorders tend to feel stigmatized. For this reason, it is important to realize that these disorders are something that people have, not something they are.

    IMHO… the media is a reflection of the “average” person… if we as individuals become empowered with knowledge about violence in our society… we can start humanizing abuse in all its forms… and then perhaps we can influence our friends and family and eventually influence the “average” person to stop demonizing people and start contributing to the end of the cycles of violence we hear about in the media. IMHO

  8. Don–I appreciate your thoughtful comments and intelligence. Intelligent men are always welcome in my circle. 🙂

    Much like rape, domestic violence is under-protected by the law and over accepted by mainstream society. These agressive behaviors are not acceptable on any other group except women. If we were talking about children being raped or abused, everyone would run in with lighted torches to burn the bastards. With the violence against women, we suffer quietly in the hope that the person with the “personality disorder” does not kill us after work one day because dinner was not made to his tastes.

    That is not a personality disorder I can humanize because women and children are suffering ever second while we try to find a way to help these poor abusers. Stats tell us that one in 5 women are abused EVERY DAY. No sorry…my southern background says that if a dog gets blood in his mouth, there is only one cure. And THAT ends the cycle of abuse! Is that extreme? Only in the way that execution for rape takes one more rapist off of the planet.

    IMHO….that makes every woman safer! ~~Dee

  9. Hi Dee… i posted my follow up comment before reading your response to my original comment.

    I totally agree that men need to speak out… I admit that i am ashamed on how silent they are as a group… For instance.. i feel Men dealing with shame need to speak out and get over the silence they feel so that more men can feel comfortable dealing with their shame so that violence against any one can be addressed and stopped!

    My original intention was never to suggest that we are powerless to prevent this situation. We can and i feel we all should.. men and women alike.

    I am a man and I believe one of the ways of using my personal power to make a change is to educate myself and then make changes in my life that reflect my understanding that there are nothing but victims in the cycles of violence we are talking about… this is truly a no win situation… even the perpetrators are victims! As i have taken the responsibility to speak out in my world i trust I will influence the men I work with, men I socialize with and men who I share the role of father with… eventually more men will get involved… its a slow process however it will take time for our society to change.. we are humans after all…lol

  10. Don–Very respectable to educate yourself. And use your voice to share that with others. The life you save might be your wife, daughter, sister, or mother….or even…some women you have never met. Now there is a blessings. ~~Dee

  11. Well Dee I want to thank you again for having this thread… It provided me the opportunity to clarify my thinking on the subject and to do some more research.

    The argument or point I needed clarity with is controversial and is like an unbelievable truth for a person who is the victim of abuse… however it needs to be stated…

    I feel that most adult abusers are indeed victims of childhood abuse!

    This statement is not a justification however may provide an explanation… first, it is my opinion that abuse in all its form is unacceptable… however I feel that most adult abusers are indeed victims of childhood abuse… this is not a justification for their behaviour but does provide an explanation why we all must take a human view of abusers.. or stated differently “hate the abuse not the abuser.”

    I briefly worked with male abusers with no short term successes.. I know it is an exceptional person who breaks the cycle of violence that may have been in their family for generations however it is not impossible. And as Dee said “The life you save might be your wife, daughter, sister, or mother….or even…some women you have never met.” I would simply add son, brother, father or some man you have never met!

    Thank you again… Don

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