Now…I realize that I am about to say what will have most women giggling with obviousness. But, hold on…I will probably get crazy controversial before it is over! But, please read to the end. It’s worth the ride.
You see, I am not sure if men don’t listen or if they learn to tune us out. It’s like working in an ice cream parlor. If you see ice cream all day, then the last thing you think of for dessert is a big dish of double mint chocolate chip! It’s the same with men. They hear words all day from the women in their lives and they are stunned into turning off the input. Not because they really want to…more as a survival tactic. Like when I go to Wal-Mart. The input is deafening. It must be the same thing. After all, if you think back to the beginning of your relationship, then you will admit that he must have listened then right?
Plus, here is another reality check. When men stop listening, what is the first thing women do? Talk more! Then, it goes to a state of almost nagging. So, to treat the infection, we add disease. Instead of taking the most efficient route to re-establishing communications, the arguments and petty disagreements start.
Are you working under the disillusionment that because you have sex, then he can read your mind? Newsflash…you are setting both of you up for failure. Just as I would quickly suggest to all women that they SHOW/TELL a man what they want in bed, I would make the same suggestion to women for non-sexual issues. He is so not a mind reader!
BUT, here is the catch. If you have to say it, then less is more. I honestly believe that men listen in patterns of 20 words or less. So, keep the statements short and actually focus on communicating the action step.
Here is a perfect scenario of how respectful communication works:
A few weeks ago, I was sitting with The Marine watching John Legend sing “If Your Out There.”
I turned to him and said, “I want that CD for Christmas.” Notice the delivery. Short and to the point!
“Ok,” he replied with a slight nod of his head.
Well…guess what boy and girls. I did not get the John Legend CD for Christmas. How do I know that? Because I received my Christmas present last night! The Marine got me tickets to see John Legend in concert in a beautiful old restored concert theater.
In short, it was heart rendering to hear 2000 people join together and sing “If Your Out There” together. I have only been more touched to see 1000 Marines in full dress blues observing a moment of silence for fallen Marines before singing The Marine Corp Hymn.
Those tickets were more of a Christmas present than anyone could imagine. What meant more to me was the vision of the gift I was given by The Marine. The communication was simple. He could have easily executed it with a trip to Wal-Mart or online click to Amazon. But, he understood the feeling of the message in a way that makes my heart soft and eyes teary…and he acted to exceed my expectations.
I do not believe that men purposely don’t listen anymore than I believe men don’t want to make their significant other happy. After all, making you happy makes him feel like a big man. Makes him feel like he is really doing his man job! My question is…are you helping him? Are you on his team?
Now…before you puff up and throw things at the screen…consider this. What do you do when you think he is not listening to you? HINT: if your answer is talk louder, then I assure you that he is not deaf, but the same rules apply. Talking louder does not work with men or deaf people!
Instead, help him listen. Not the way you listen. Because he is a man…he is not wired that way. Help him find the information you need him to hear. Try these things active talking / listening practices:
- Talk in concise sentences: Rambling justifications and explanations annoy everyone except your girlfriends. Really…get to the point.
- Make eye contact: Don’t expect to pass him by and throw something at him. If it is important…look at each other.
- Don’t talk to him like he is 2 years old (come on…you know you do!!!)
- Don’t raise your voice: This says angry even when you are not.
- Talk to him when he is not focused somewhere else: The middle of the football game…even during commercials…not the time to discuss picking up the kids from school on Monday.
- Ask for his time and remove yourself from everything around you when things need discussion.
- Don’t interrupt each other (my personal issue!!): Nothing says “I refuse to listen” like interrupting someone. You can talk or you can listen. But, I have never met a person that can successfully do both at once.
- Get confirmation: Ask him again or remind him later that you said something to him. You are not the Queen to be obeyed (unless that is how you role in the bedroom). Let’s assume everyone is human and needs reminders.
- PRAISE! Women so often point out the flaws and the malfunctions of a man. When he does the right thing…not matter how small…acknowledge it big!!
No…men are not delicate. They are human. They need someone to listen and help them listen because they are not brought up in a world that encourages communication between spouses. Think of your parents. How well did they communicate? Enuf said!
After all, if he was deaf, then you would learn sign language. So, make the effort and learn to talk to him. ~~Dee
Orgasmic Christmas: Have you signed up for my super sexy Orgasmic Christmas? If not…what vibrating pleasures you are missing!!! With sexy stuff from OhMiBod, Babeland, Susan Crain Bakos, XToyStore, and JustInCase….winning one of the 11 prizes in the Orgasmic Christmas contest can change the answer to whether you have been “naughty or nice” this year!