Living as a Porn Queen

sexuality, sex blogs, sex , erotica female, erotica“Getting old is such a bitch,” he was saying into the phone, not waiting for any arguments. 

There were no arguments or reasons that I could offer.  I could hear the pain he was trying so hard to hide as he sat in the room watching a woman he cared for slip away.  This woman that he had known longer than I have been on the planet….and he could not help her or stop what was happening. 

I could understand that feeling.  I wanted so much to erase the pain from his heart, but it was not to be.  Like watching a new baby stand on shaky legs and take his first steps only to fall down, this was a lesson he needed to learn…one we had discussed very recently.

“Agreed,” I finally breathed the word.  “But, that is part of the gift.  Not that we never get old or die….that we have the opportunity to live our passions while we can.  Avoid regretting the end by living the middle.”

Silence.  I wait.  And, I want to take this pain from him, but that too is part of the gift.  The wake up call we all hear in our lives when we loose someone close.
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“You know,” The Mother was saying to me tonight at dinner as I watched the sunset over the Marina through my beer bottle, “we won’t be here forever.”  The wind was warm and the sun was melting away the hurt in my heart for My Favorite Scorpio.

“Yes,” was all I could manage.

“When you talk about how you feel about helping women accept sexuality, you use the word ‘need’ with a sense of understanding your purpose,” The Mother stated as a fact.  It has always been hard to argue with her.  She is, all at once, so kind and strong that arguing with her seems impossible.

“Yes,” I said again, aware that The Marine was staring intently at me.  He always appreciates the dynamics between The Mother and I….it is a dance of twin souls.

“What holds you back?” her perception as sharp as the night over 20 years ago that I was caught sneaking into the house soaking wet after a late night swim at the river with The Marine.

“I don’t think it is a path I can come back from once I commit to it,” I muttered, trying to verbalize what I know so well.

“Commitment does not come with an escape route,” she smiled, challenging me to try again.

“True.  But I have to be careful of the people around me.  In this town, I am already a porn queen,” I whispered the last part for effect which made her laugh.

“Yes, but that is part of the gift….to live your passion while you can.  If you do that, then the people who love you will always be proud of you,” she smiled….and I knew she was right.

When I get to the end of my days, I will have taken Frost’s “road less travelled by,” but, I will not have taken it alone as long as there are strong women at my side.  For this is the lesson I must learn as I take my first steps on shaky legs….fall down…..and stand again.  ~~Dee

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