Granted, I am watching him. Not just watching…focusing…trying to see past the wall built high around him. He sits forward leaning on his arms crossed in front of him. He shuffles uncomfortably in his seat again not quite pulling off the relaxed veneer he is trying so hard to accomplish.
“I have missed you. What has been going on?” I start the conversation.
“Everything…nothing. More,” he returns without commitment with a light smile. I have known him long enough to know when he is adding bricks to his wall of protection.
I smile nodding. I have learned so much not to internalize. I have seen the inability to connect pulling away while struggling with the want to belong. “Let him breathe. Give him room. Back away slowly and you wont get hurt,” my mind says too familiar with the steps of this dance to the music of the pain in the background. But, that’s not true. I get hurt every time.
And each time, I prepare myself for the ending…the termination…the point as which it is all gone. But, it’s not the ending. And that is not such a relief knowing that someone can not invest…will not risk…holds back from sharing.
Just knowing that it not my problem and I can not help only makes it harder…not easier.
My heart is screaming into the cosmos:
“Why do we waste so much fucking time worrying about all of the issues surrounding loving another human being?”
“Why do people who hate each other have all of the time in the world while people who love each other have a mere moment?”
“Why does the word love make someone fall back in fear rather than tear with joy?”
“Why can I talk to the world, but I cant reach him?”
One more question: Why do you need to protect yourself from me?
“Hey, where are you? You were missing in action for a minute,” he is looking at me across the table concern in his eyes.
I smile nodding…knowing…it is starting again. The music. The pain. The dance. And, one day, he will be missing in action again. ~~Dee