MILF: Moments of Confession

sex blog female erotica literoticaOver the last week or so, I had occasion to attend several dinner parties with various types of people.  One of those things where you meet tons of couples and try to remember names over a series of drinks and dinner conversation while shoving food in your mouth.  There was something that surprised me over the group of dinner parties that I remember well no matter how many mijitos. 

Did I find out what MILF means?  Not so much.  Already hip to that abbreviation.  I am impressed with women who understand that sexy can start at 35 years old!  Enough said.

What surprised me is the number of women over four dinner parties who admitted that although they loved their children with all of their hearts, they would not have children again.  They never said that they did not want their children or that they regretted having their children.  They said that they would not go through the experience of children if given the choice again.

Huh?  Now, this is not going to turn into an abortion discussion.  But, what I really wonder is how many women stand alone at the end of 20 years and wonder if they made the right choice.  Not pro-choice….the right choice.

I wonder if they made the decision to have children because their mothers made that choice (mentally—not physically!  Of course, everyone has the choice because their mother decided to have children *rolling eyes at the need to be politically correct*).  More to the point, I wonder if women inherited their mothers, aunts, and grandmothers social mores and values that said women have children rather they want to or not.  It is part of the nuclear family.

Don’t get me wrong.  I always knew that I did not want children.  There have been moments of wavering…like when The Marine went to war…but never to such an extent that I felt that I wanted to side track my life because I feel like you dedicate your life to raising your children.

It is often that the topic of ‘children’ helped me cut my teeth for what I do now.  Living in the Bible belt, I have been called various names by women who, for some reason or another, could not understand why a woman would be married and not have children.  After all, “that is what marriage is for…children!”

I wonder how many women, when they realize that they do not really want children, feel dysfunctional or broken.  I wonder how many women fight with themselves as their sexuality and instincts of motherhood (or lack of instints for motherhood) jocky for position.

Remember:   I spoke at length about the first SexyWhispers sponsored phone chat sessions.  I am going to keep talking about that until I get a group of interested women for the first sexy session.   Start the New Year off right.  Join us…its free, you can use whatever name you like, and you dont have to talk until you are comfortable! ~~Dee

23 thoughts on “MILF: Moments of Confession

  1. I’ve generally had understanding from women when I’ve mentioned that I don’t necessarily want to have children. Oddly, it’s from a guy (my bro-in-law) who gave me a hard time. Apparently “having children is the most important thing a person can ever do.” Really?

  2. Princess–Its odd. I dont feel like my life is incomplete or lacking without children. I can see though where having children is WAY more important than helping those you love, improving yourself to be happy with the person in the mirror, and being satisfied with your soul. Dont get me wrong…good for people who want children and can be great parents. But, I suspect there are tons more women who are trapped in the feeling of doing the ‘most important thing a person can ever do.’ I applaud you for being honest with yourself. I still get….”so, no children huh?” for everyone.~~Dee

  3. I too was never comfortable with bringing a child into the world or raising children. My wife and I married at ages 19 & 20, and were so young and in love and into our careers that the question didn’t really come up until we were in our early to mid 30s. When I was 31, I had a female acquaintance that asked me why I didn’t have children. She said on a couple of occassions that I was just being selfish (she had raised 2 girls, though looking back, the world would have been a better place had she not). I didn’t have an immediate answer for her. My internal reaction was that she was being rather unfair and didn’t really understand me. People have children for very selfish reasons too. I’m not so sure that selflessness or selfishness has anything to do with the decision. Although obviously selflessness has a lot to do with fulfilling the commitment.

    I have always held the responsibility of raising children in such high regard, and I knew it wasn’t the right choice for me. In my case, emotional abuse from my own childhood left me too broken to be a good parent. And I certainly didn’t want to pass any of my issues on. It wasn’t a deal breaker for us as my wife was and still is very much a career woman. Finally, at age 50, I have worked through most of my issues, and believe now what others have told me my whole life – that I would be a good father.

    I certainly don’t feel that I missed my life’s calling.

    To a small degree, the things I do regret: not seeing my lovely wife’s beautiful eyes and smile on the face of a child or two of our own and not being willing to give that gift to my wife when it would have been a reasonable time to start a family.

  4. Robert–When The Marine went to Iraq, I regretted the same thing briefly (if you can call a year brief); however, I came to realize that there are millions of children in the world as the result of a biological process or the need to see yourself (or a loved one) reflected in a third person. My heart said that was not enough reason to bring another person into existence. I am the product of an alcholic family with children who had to fend for themselves much of the time. I really believe that there is a vast difference between “making a good parent” and “being a good parent.” Great response…thank you.~~Dee

  5. I’ve never wanted children and always known that. It garners mixed responses. Some people applaud me for knowing myself well. For having the courage to do what is right for me and not take the easy conventional choice. Others look at me like I’m a freak or like I’m sad. That I’ll never know the joys of motherhood. I have two nieces and a nephew I absolutely adore, but even for them I can’t make it through an evening of babysitting. Even they don’t make me want any of my own. I’ve stopped defending my choice to the people that don’t understand it.

  6. Minx–Yes, I spent some time with my niece and nephew this holiday. As they get older, it gets easier for me. My sister-in-law asked me about this little girl in the bleechers next to us “isn’t she so cute?” All I could say was the truth…”not so much.” Just did not strike me that way.~~Dee

  7. I have to admit that given the choice to do it again, I probably would not have a child. And not just because it’s been a difficult road with the one I’ve been given, but because I couldn’t tell you why I did it in the first place.

    I don’t ever remember having a burning desire for kids. I never remember liking being around kids (with a few exceptions). I imagine I did it because I though that was what one did.

    Ironically, all that I’ve been through with my son got me to a place where I wouldn’t ever do something because “that’s what you do.” My experience has taught me to trust my heart.

  8. Finn–Good for you. I think it has always been my natural sense of going against society that made me stop to see if “this” is what I really wanted. I realized that I did not play with dolls or consider other children my age any fun at all. My mother says I was born 18 years old and started aging from there. She must be right…cause some days I feel really really old!~~Dee

  9. I would have a child again in a heartbeat though it hasn’t been an easy road in life. I wouldn’t chose to have anymore at this point, due to my single-ness and the fact that my current child and any “new” ones would be too far apart, but had I run into a man and gotten into a solid relationship and he would’ve wanted some, I would’ve surely gone for it. Even though life is rough at times and I am certainly not the perfect Mom.

    I am totally happy with my life in that respect though. It’s happened the way it’s happened and I enjoy the one child I have. I don’t regret anything. And IF by accident I would get pregnant, and it would totally not suit my life right now, it would be welcome. It wouldn’t be ideal, but I know I CAN raise it…

    Oh, and Happy New Year!

  10. Dutchie–I am always pleased when I see women like yourself who can accept both the role of mother and women with equal zest. I knew early on that I was destined to be a sexual woman. I think that is an important soul searching that women, like myself, acknowledge that they are not meant to be mothers. I wish every child a wonderful mother like yourself, but I know it is not me.~~Dee

  11. Dutchie–As for myself, I also am pro-choice. I can not imagine a situation…no matter what type of parent I would be…where I would abort. BUT, I do believe that every woman should have control of their own life and body.~~Dee

  12. I have four. Two from a previous marriage. And we’re considering another 🙂 I don’t regret the choice for a moment. I’ve been a mother since I was twenty, but I haven’t given up anything for my children, either. I have a bachelor’s degree and a masters, I’m completely happy with my calling. I follow my bliss. Being a mother doesn’t mean growth stops. And I’ve learned so much more from parenting, I think, than I would have if I decided not to have children. My life has been a constant blooming open because of them, and I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything.

    Although in these circles… it seems I’m quite a minority!

  13. Selena–You are never a minority when you speak your mind. I appreciate and applaud your strength. I work with several parent coaches that make me understand the incredible possiblities between parents and children. That said, I know what I am. I am a selfish person focused on what I want to achieve in my life with deep issues from alcholic, abusive parents. I tell my brother all the time that we are statistical oddities. We beat the odds to have successful, happy marriages with strong careers. I have all I want…need…and dont have what is needed to raise children. Its reality.~~Dee

  14. I have a wonderful dear friend who chooses not to have a child. I am grateful to know her and would trust my life and the lives of my monsters to her.

    I love my monsters and have loved them since the first time I felt them move. For me it was always something I wanted. I also always wanted to stay home with them.

    I’m also pro-choice. I respect any woman’s privacy and intelligence enough for that person to make their own choice about where they are and what they need in their lives.

    Enjoyed your blog!

  15. Momma–Welcome and thank you for commenting. I see so many unhappy parents these days in restaurants and public places. They seem like their children are just not the enjoyable experience they had expected. I always hand them one of my clients parent coaching cards. I think parents are so sure they should be able to raise kids…like children come with a manual…that it is odd to me when they seem so lost. I always say….we are not born knowing how to read or drive a car…..sex and parenting are much the same. Lessons please! *smile* I would protect any child with my life (even those not related to me) because that is my nature. Women and children…my safeguard. But, I would love to come across more women that would smile at me with the knowledge you describe that we, as women, are not broken because children are not our goal. So, I rode the escalator at the mall 6 times straight with my niece (she loves the escalator for some reason) that does not qualify me to make sure she does her homework, eats the right foods, and wears the right shoes. I would rather be the cool aunt than the great mother. Thank you so much for coming by and please join us often with comments.~~Dee

  16. Interesting post. My wife and I don’t have children and although we didn’t plan for that to happen, that’s the way it is due to medical issues.

    Knowing that the more educated and well off a woman is, the more likely she is not to have any children, the role of cultural pressure plays a large role. Having children should be a choice that a woman can make with or without a partner and without feeling guilty or coerced.

    As you said above, having children is a life changing experience and I believe that women are much, much more than just wombs. If you don’t want children ever, then that should not be a problem or a negative. Many women who want children, are unable to have them and many women who do have children, never wanted them.

    Maybe if having children was something you had to apply for and pay a fee, then all children would be welcomed and cherished.

  17. Brian–Its a good point. Though Nature does not have a screening program for parenting, I know that many women suffer from the lack of ability to have children. What always hurts my heart is the number of women who have children because it is expected or they dont feel free to make a choice. Whenever I hear the abortion argument leveled like bullets in our country, I always wonder who will save the children who are not wanted from the abuse. As a child that grew up in an alcoholic, abusive household, I can tell you that no one runs to the aid of these mistaken children. I have been ‘that kid’ whose friends could not come to her house. I believe that all who are pro-life should spend a few days in a homeless shelter for young girls, an abused womens shelter, or see the sexual abuse of the children in the world. Until we can save those children around us now, I could not sleep at night bringing new children into the world.

    And, blessing to you and your wife. It seems that some of the best potential parents suffer with the pain of not having the choice.~~Dee

  18. I’ve never once questioned my decision to have my tubes tied B4 ever having children.

    I know myself and I know that there is NO WAY I would ever make a good mother. My childhood haunts me too much and I could never share the attention of my significant other the way a child would require.

    The worst thing is the constant – “Oh, you’ll change your mind” when people find out I don’t want kids.

    But when I reply “Considering I had my tubes sliced, clipped, burned and tied… I really don’t think I will” they shut up pretty quickly.

    The funny thing?? My friends children LOVE me. It’s like the thing with the cat — she always seeks out the people who are most allergic OR who don’t like cats… ha..ha.ha..

  19. Kitty–I never understand the mentality of people who think you will “get over” a decision like it is not something you have searched your soul to make. To me, it is as real a decision as homo or bi-sexuality. I believe we make choices like this based on deep thought and it is really insulting for someone to say…you will change your mind….like it is a matter of what color you will paint a room.~~Dee

  20. What a great, great post. In my early 20’s I’d never, ever thought I’d have kids and now I’m a picket fence, SUV driving, soccer mom of three.

    I love it. Motherhood is right for some but not all. It should not be relentlessly pushed on women as a panacea for their lives.

    About 20 minutes after the vows are exchanged people start in with the …..So when are you going to have……

    20 minutes after your first child is born…. So when are you going to have another…..

    It’s usually from people who are married with kids. Almost like, hey you have to be in this boat too!

    Motherhood has also been sold as the being most natural thing to all women. That we will all magically transform into June Cleaver when we leave the delivery room. It’s very easy to be completed overwhelmed by the process of raising children which leads to guilt and depression. Although it can be very difficult, I believe maintaining an identity outside of “mom” is key. Sites like yours certainly help:)

  21. Susan–Thank you so for the praise. I believe that you are right. The goal of women should be to keep the identity of they are…their sense of “self”…at the center of who they are always. This should be the part of a woman that is nutured and strengthed with the understanding that when her center thrives and grows–everything around her florishes. IMHO, most women approach their sense of self with a certain starvation because they put themselves last time after time. ~~Dee

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