“Why is it that most men tend to love conditionally?”—Question of the year goes to My Favorite Martian.
Why indeed. This was like struggling with the answer to the meaning of life. Trying to understand the biggest sexual questions based on my knowledge of the male mind. I feel honored that he would ask me and a little concerned that I won’t do the question justice. So, if I lack the right words or miss the mark, then I will count on my posse in the *Cathouse* to bring aid and margaritas to the injured.
First, I would like to start with an admission. Although it has not always been the case, I am presently surrounded by two men who love unconditionally. The Marine and My Favorite Scorpio have both shown me that they can be trusted in the good times and will protect my heart in the bad times. I am not an easy woman to spend time around. I test people’s nerves and can be quite difficult. These men have, more than once, weathered my internal storms and refused to give up on me. But, in truth, they are both special in one common characteristic. They have been surrounded by strong, capable women all of their lives. They have both raised exceptional women and fostered women into a higher level of realization their personal being. Neither one would accept less from a woman, as compared to a man, based on gender. If anything, these two men expect more because they believe we can be more.
Now, here is where I take the hit. Ok…good enough. Welcome everyone to the Bar-B-Cue….the beer is BYOB! (grin)
I think that the reasons for conditional love in men is that men tend to:
- Commit to Someone with a Goal in Mind: Whether they see a short term picture or a series of steps to get to a certain point, there is an end point in a goal. Once accomplished, even if it was not a challenge, there is still a termination point in a goal. Women tend to look at life as a vision. This is equally as disillusioning because, often, life just gets in the way of that ideal structure. But for men, no one can love unconditionally with a clock ticking in the background or finish line before them.
- Neglect a High Order Happiness: Yes, I am politely saying that, cosmically, men tend to be selfish. To establish unconditional love, you have to give up portions of yourself for another person and men have a great fear of “loosing” their own identity. Perhaps, it is seen as less than masculine to relinquish parts of your identity to find happiness with a woman, but “pussy whipped” as it may be…it is necessary to give up some of yourself to love anyone unconditionally.
- Shift the Responsibility for an Unhappy Situation: Men seem unable to accept and fix an unhappy situation. This seems to be because to acknowledge that there is a problem says that you might own some of the responsibility for the issue. It might mean that outside help for a problem is needed. Their pride will not admit the need for help so the warzone continues unchecked until the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving.
And, when a justification can be reached to leave, the top two objectives fall into place—the goal has been achieved (check)—I want to be my own person again (check)—there are problems here (check)….it is easier to start over than to fix what is wrong. Men do not have that inbound urge to love unconditionally because they have not invested themselves with unselfishness in a long term outcome.
These things, IMHO, are depicted in the way that men get involved in a new relationship almost immediately after the failure of the last one. Men will rush off to get remarried or into a rebound relationships for the sake of satisfying one (or all) of the reasons above. Women, on the other hand, seem to take a step back away from being in a new relationship until they have considered (sometimes to the point of distraction) how to fix what went wrong in an effort not to go through that again. In this way, women seem happier to spend time alone after a bad relationship and men run to the next pair of high heels with a sad story being a sex god (kisses to my girl–and you know who you are!).
Hence, I guess the short answer to your question, Martian, is that men love conditionally because for them it is basically like a sex lottery. They pull a set of numbers. If it does not work out, then they buy another ticket. They never invest so much of themselves that they loose their identity like women do.
In truth, women look down the road and see happiness. Men look down the road and see an end to happiness in commitment. Usually, both are an illusion based on the many factors from fairy tales to the harder realities of life like paying the bills and children. But the saddest part of it all is the number of people who get into or out of relationships every day—only to find out that the person they are unhappy with was not the person they were sleeping next to each night—it was the person they were looking at in the mirror every morning.
Comments….concerns….emotional outbursts welcome! ~~Dee