The Sex Lottery

female erotica, literotica, sex blogs, sex“Why is it that most men tend to love conditionally?”—Question of the year goes to My Favorite Martian

Why indeed.  This was like struggling with the answer to the meaning of life.  Trying to understand the biggest sexual questions based on my knowledge of the male mind.  I feel honored that he would ask me and a little concerned that I won’t do the question justice.  So, if I lack the right words or miss the mark, then I will count on my posse in the *Cathouse* to bring aid and margaritas to the injured. 

First, I would like to start with an admission.  Although it has not always been the case, I am presently surrounded by two men who  love unconditionally.  The Marine and My Favorite Scorpio have both shown me that they can be trusted in the good times and will protect my heart in the bad times.  I am not an easy woman to spend time around.  I test people’s nerves and can be quite difficult.  These men have, more than once, weathered my internal storms and refused to give up on me.  But, in truth, they are both special in one common characteristic.  They have been surrounded by strong, capable women all of their lives.  They have both raised exceptional women and fostered women into a higher level of realization their personal being.  Neither one would accept less from a woman, as compared to a man, based on gender.  If anything, these two men expect more because they believe we can be more.

Now, here is where I take the hit.  Ok…good enough.  Welcome everyone to the Bar-B-Cue….the beer is BYOB! (grin)

I think that the reasons for conditional love in men is that men tend to:

  • Commit to Someone with a Goal in Mind:  Whether they see a short term picture or a series of steps to get to a certain point, there is an end point in a goal.  Once accomplished, even if it was not a challenge, there is still a termination point in a goal.  Women tend to look at life as a vision.  This is equally as disillusioning because, often, life just gets in the way of that ideal structure.  But for men, no one can love unconditionally with a clock ticking in the background or finish line before them.
  • Neglect a High Order Happiness: Yes, I am politely saying that, cosmically, men tend to be selfish.  To establish unconditional love, you have to give up portions of yourself for another person and men have a great fear of “loosing” their own identity.  Perhaps, it is seen as less than masculine to relinquish parts of your identity to find happiness with a woman, but “pussy whipped” as it may be…it is necessary to give up some of yourself to love anyone unconditionally.
  • Shift the Responsibility for an Unhappy Situation:  Men seem unable to accept and fix an unhappy situation.  This seems to be because to acknowledge that there is a problem says that you might own some of the responsibility for the issue.  It might mean that outside help for a problem is needed.  Their pride will not admit the need for help so the warzone continues unchecked until the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving. 

And, when a justification can be reached to leave, the top two objectives fall into place—the goal has been achieved (check)—I want to be my own person again (check)—there are problems here (check)….it is easier to start over than to fix what is wrong.  Men do not have that inbound urge to love unconditionally because they have not invested themselves with unselfishness in a long term outcome.

These things, IMHO, are depicted in the way that men get involved in a new relationship almost immediately after the failure of the last one.  Men will rush off to get remarried or into a rebound relationships for the sake of satisfying one (or all) of the reasons above.  Women, on the other hand, seem to take a step back away from being in a new relationship until they have considered (sometimes to the point of distraction) how to fix what went wrong in an effort not to go through that again. In this way, women seem happier to spend time alone after a bad relationship and men run to the next pair of high heels with a sad story being a sex god (kisses to my girl–and you know who you are!).

Hence, I guess the short answer to your question, Martian, is that men love conditionally because for them it is basically like a sex lottery.  They pull a set of numbers.  If it does not work out, then they buy another ticket.  They never invest so much of themselves that they loose their identity like women do.

In truth, women look down the road and see happiness.  Men look down the road and see an end to happiness in commitment. Usually, both are an illusion based on the many factors from fairy tales to the harder realities of life like paying the bills and children.  But the saddest part of it all is the number of people who get into or out of relationships every day—only to find out that the person they are unhappy with was not the person they were sleeping next to each night—it was the person they were looking at in the mirror every morning. 

Comments….concerns….emotional outbursts welcome!  ~~Dee

20 thoughts on “The Sex Lottery

  1. Interesting post..
    Perhaps men rush into new relationships because we hate to lose? The old “get back on the horse” philosophy.. no one likes to lose, but guys have big egos and feel the need to win again.
    That comes back to your goal theory.. where not feeling like a loser is the goal.

    As a man, I don’t find that I love conditionally.. I still feel love for every woman I’ve ever loved.. even the ones who have wronged me. But loving someone is not reason enough to stay in a relationship. Relationships are a delicate dance, a gentle game of give and take where each must sacrifice enough but not too much. When the sacrifices become unbalanced for long enough, the relationship tumbles.

    Unfortunately humans usually don’t handle that well.. trying to find the missing piece elsewhere instead of just ending the relationship, knowing that the 1st to admit defeat will be seen as the bad guy.

  2. Hello Skidvis!–Intelligent men welcome…I think you have valid points. No one likes to loose. But, I am not sure that women have the ability to only give so much. We dont view the world like that. From our relationships with our pets, children, family, friends, and our girls, we give all we have. And, we expect the same from those around us. Often, this expectation is not fulfilled. ~Dee

  3. I can see what you mean about love being a goal for us. I mean everything else is right?

    I’d like to hear what others have to say too. And also I’d like to dig into more specifics about why we have such a “this for that” mentality. Like “if she doesn’t give me sex, I won’t help do laundry” type deal.

  4. Dee, it’s that whole “I’m not getting what I want, so I won’t give you what you want” thing. The interaction is based on a set of conditions. Instead of just doing the things that are right and good out of caring and love, you don’t because you feel like the other person’s end of the bargain hasn’t been fulfilled. Does that help?

    Shamefully, I can point to this in a couple past relationships of mine, and I know that a lot of men do this. No experience with this, Dee?

  5. Mars–Chatting with you is always enlightening. I always find out that men do something that I thought only women did….like withholding favors to get something. The Marine was raised by women and I by mostly men. So, there is lots of cross taboos like that dont happen here. But, that wont keep me from getting bloggy with it to find out what the *Cathouse* thinks! That is why I love my girls…they all have experiences to bring home. Hold on to your knickers!~~Dee

  6. Okay… I have to admit…. by this post, you are actually describing me, and I’m *not* a man. 🙂

    I’ve been told, more than once, that I have a very “male perspective” on things…perhaps this is why.

    I love conditionally.
    I always hold back.
    I look for the “wrong” and forget what’s “right”
    *I* look at a long term relationship as a “ball and chain” and worry about how MY life will be altered.

    How will *I* be able to maintain my fun when I have to share w/ someone else.

    Etc…etc..etc.

    Then again…a lot of this comes from the fact that I just got out of 7 year relationship where I allowed a lot of *ME* to become subsumed by the needs of *HIM* and I’m trying very hard to keep me at the forefront now.

    It’s a balancing act… eventually I will figure it out.

    But maybe that’s part of it, maybe a lot of folks are just afraid of losing who THEY are…in a relationship, so they put conditions on that love which guarantees that they won’t commit completely and they will keep themselves intact.

    just my 2 cents worth. 🙂

  7. Kitty–I have been told, by many, that I think like a man….esp. about sex. I dont think that is such a bad thing. But, dont cheat yourself from giving and receiving all that you can from a relationship. You have tons to give a person who will return the favor!~~Dee

  8. But maybe that’s part of it, maybe a lot of folks are just afraid of losing who THEY are…in a relationship, so they put conditions on that love which guarantees that they won’t commit completely and they will keep themselves intact.

    I think Kitty has a great point here.

  9. Mars–Being the intelligent, sexy woman she is…naturally, she makes a great point! I would expect nothing less from from my Favorite Pink Pussy. And, I believe that men suffer from this greatly as women tend to invest much more in relationships than is safe for their wellbeing. BUT, you honestly cant commit with a safety net. ~~Dee

  10. Well, naturally, Dee… 😉 And I agree that men do this more though I’m not sure they’d agree that they suffer. But why do we need that safety net? Is it because we’re afraid we’ll lose ourselves, like the puddy tat says?

  11. Yeppers…. I was just thinking the same thing Dee.

    In a different way, though.ha..ha.ha…

    In order to commit completely — one has to relinquish control. They have to place trust and faith in someone else.

    And THAT is something I’ve never been able to do.
    I only trust myself.
    I only have complete faith in myself.
    I have to be in control.

    If that’s the way I feel….then I’ll never freely and fully commit.

    But let’s face it — I attribute these traits to the fact that I’ve been hurt so much already. By my family and by my lovers.

    The question though is — did I learn to hold back because of the pain they caused me?

    or

    did I never fully commit in the first place which caused them to fail, which caused them to hurt me??

    Hmmm…. tricky…tricky… very Chicken/Egg kind of situation. 🙂

  12. Kitty–I really believe that some of us never fully learn to love and commit. As you know, I grew up with abusive, alcoholic parents. To this day, The Marine and My Favorite Scorpio will struggle with my nature to pull away from engagement. I “wander off” in their words. But, I do fight it every day.~~Dee

  13. You are my two favorite women today, because I think you’ve nailed this for me.

    I’m exactly like the Kitty in this regard that I’ve only ever really trusted in myself, only have had complete faith in myself, etc. This is gonna take some soul searching… Thanks you sexy ladies.

  14. Mars–Our pleasure. And, you would not be the first man to be thankful for being pressed between the Kitty and I! (wink)~~Dee

    BTW–Kitty and I are planning a two part discussion on mens knowledge of sex. We will rely on you to represent the man species!

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