I want to stress that I don’t have the answers for the sex questions I am going to ask. I am really just wondering when the line between flirtation blurred into adultery so psychologist could starting using the term “emotional affair.” See, I am always careful of things that pigeon hole our sexuality into psychological terms that casts sexual feeling and behaviors into a negative light. My questions obviously refer to those who are in committed relationships or have been in a committed relationship at one time. We have all been there once or twice righto? If you just needed to be committed after a relationship, then it probably does not count because we have all been there too!
My focus is rather when people started taking flirtation to the art form so seriously needing an intervention by Dr. Phil that it bordered on an “emotional affair.” I mean, I am a woman who is used to being surrounded by men. I am highly sexual and known to banter comments of a sexual nature at both men and women. The Marine readily admits that I am a “man’s woman.” It’s a compliment. He is equally a “woman’s man.” The ladies love him. Good for us. It works out as a mental stimulus because we are monogamous. Women will frequently share with me the sexiness of The Marine. I agree!
But, we have questions that we never ask because it invades the privacy of our sexuality and our minds. These questions either ask one person to lie about their true thoughts or lie about their sexuality. Contrary to popular belief, a marriage license or commitment of any type does not give another person the right to control your mind.
Here is a list of sample questions we don’t ask:
- Have you ever wanted to sleep with one of my friends?
- Have you ever slept with anyone better than me? (This can refer to size, shape, or abilities)
- Do you ever fantasize about a stranger? Co-worker? Ex? Celebrity?
- Do you ever have sexual conversations with other people? (That’s pretty obvious! You read this blog don’t you??)
How scary would it be to think that a man you were spending intimate time with did not fantasize about sexing up a good looking woman? I would think The Marine was broken!
In reality, asking any one of these questions, to me, only asks your partner to lie to you to assuage feelings of sexual insecurity. Moreover, fantasizing is a natural exercise of the mind and a sign of a healthy sexual appetite. Is there anyone who has never thought about one of these things while in a relationship? What matters at the end of the day is not whether The Marine saw a woman and thought something lascivious (only in a good way of course) about her, but that he brought those passions home and shared them with me.
What bothers me most is that when we put a name on sexualities or sexual feelings human beings tend to use those negative stigmas to chastise and criticize. In truth, adultery, cheating, and affairs involve a sense of voluntary physicality. For most women, sex and emotions are tied up together in one large not so neat package. And, if we are going to have the “emotional affair police” to tag everyone who has sexual feelings or thoughts for someone they know, its going to get very hot and crowded in those cells.
Could we please try not to give ourselves yet another reason to repress our sexuality and feel guilty about our sexual feelings? Before, you had to commit adultery to feel guilty about it…now, you must only think about having sex with someone else!
What I would ask at this point is if a woman were having the same discussions or emotional involvement with another woman, would it still be an “emotional affair?” If so, then women have been committing this sin of mental masturbation for many years! And secretly, I believe that men have been too…they only do so while scratching and having a beer together. What talented little creatures they are! (laughing) ~~Dee