The Sex Bus

female erotica, literoticaWelcome to my world.  I grew up a little today in several ways, but the most significant involved a visit from two good men to explain the ideas of male sexuality to me.  You see, I wrote a post about being told that I think about sex “like a man.”  Both of these men (one a Marine…if I have to collect something….Marines and Scorpios are my choice!!  I ♥♥♥ Marines and Scorpios!) stepped up to explain something about male sexuality to me.  I asked questions and levied responses at them…they in turn answered with the simplicity and honesty of stating facts.  I say honestly because that is a big criterion for making a grade with me.  It has often gotten me a big punch in the nose, mentally of course because WE DON’T HIT without consent in this house, but I can deal with the truth a lot faster than trying to constantly align a lie.

What did they tell me?  It easy…and complex…

  • Men are uncomfortable and insecure about their sexuality.
  • Men have trouble talking about sexual things.
  • Men still feel like they are expected to lead the way and make decisions.
  • Men don’t know what we like sexually because we don’t tell them or we lie to them to save their feelings.
  • Men are scared of sexual failure.

In these few minutes of discussion, a realization hit the back of my brain and bounced forward.  Perhaps the reason that women and men have so much trouble communicating, especially about sex, is that we share lots of the same sex issues.  So, instead of seeing our partner for the person they are and freeing them to be the person that they sexually want to be, we see ourselves reflected in the eyes of the person across the sheets.  We ask ourselves questions of doubt instead of giving ourselves sexual permission to have the answers.

Q:  What if he is not into me?
A:  I am an amazing woman.  I know what is sexy about me.  My eyes, my hair, my thighs, my smile…and the way I used it all….to make me feel sexy and him feel wanted.

Q:  What if I say or do something stupid?
A:  I am intelligent.  I am empowering myself not to accept less for myself sexually than all that I can have.  I will not hold second place.

Q:  What if this guy is another loser like the last one?
A:  I acknowledge what made the last relationship fail and will move on to the present.  By understanding where I made the mistake (there are always mistakes on both sides…in all relationship failures…even if it was only staying too long!), I will be stronger in my next relationship and make better decisions.

The list of questions goes on and on…“what ifs” and “what abouts.”  My main question is “why?”  To say that everyone on the planet is damaged and carrying loads of baggage is probably an understatement.  How much baggage do you want on your sex bus and do you want it in the way where you are constantly tripping over it?  It was so adequately put today when I was asked “what can be done to help women get out of their own way?”  Just this…just what I am doing here. 

You know my motto…I have said it so many times.  “Take my hand…the fear lasts for seconds, but the freedom lasts for a lifetime!” 

Kisses to the Misses (especially to my Princess who is feeling less than her sexy self tonight!)….and the men too for their interest in promoting sexually minded women.  I have added them to the blogroll under a new category…Men Making Sense.  Although it will be a short category, it will definitely be a place of honor. 

I would make you honorary women, but The Marine always says that “if men had boobs, they would never make it out of the shower in the morning!”  So, it’s probably safer this way.  ~~Dee

15 thoughts on “The Sex Bus

  1. Excellent post, Dee, and I think men could learn a lot by reading it and exchanging the gender references. Men for women, women for men. Like you stated, we share the same insecurities.

    And I’m honored to have made the list. And your Marine’s right…but I’d probably never make it into the shower. 😉

  2. “Men don’t know what we like sexually because we don’t tell them or we lie to them to save their feelings.”

    Isn’t it sad that honesty, the thing so many fear the most, is the one thing most likely to give us what we really want in our relationships.

  3. Dancer–I had the same response. You can tell that I struggled with the ideas, but in whole…its a good place to start.

    Mars (BTW….not my Marine, but the Marine referenced in the post above!)–It was really a step forward for me to realize this. I dont feel odd about admitting that because it is a common misconception: “Men are sexually secure.” Society teaches them to be so…so, they are….right? But, in the same manner, it also pressures them into the same types of conformance that it does for women. For example, if a women is bi- or homosexual, then most people would not think twice. Indeed, studies show that most womens first sexual experience is with themselves or another female. But, if a man is bi- or homosexual, then not only is his manhood questioned…but his whole being from his job, friends, and his mental stability is questioned. Even to point, their military service is questioned (breath deep Marine!~~smile).

    In short, as I looked across the blogosphere yesterday, I realized that there was twice as much work to do, but it might not be so difficult with the right team.

    Lady Julia–It is sad that we can not be completely honest with one another. I understand it. At that point, one or both people are feeling completely exposed. So, they retreat instead of move out of their comfort zone. I would love to speak to any women who can honestly say that they have never lied to a man about his performance or what they wanted sexually. Reminds me of a quote from one of my favorite movies, North by Northwest (paraphrased of course):

    CG: The moment I meet a woman I have to start pretending that I have no want to make love to her.
    ES: Why pretend?
    CG: She might object.
    ES: Then again…she might not.

    As I have said before, as women, not only do we have to be strong enough to say the truth, we have to be strong enough to hear the truth too.~~Dee

  4. So, here’s another shocker, Dee, in your response about homosexuality in men and the commotion it causes when brought up…

    The truth there is also “insecurity.” All men, yes ALL men, at one point or another have had homosexual thoughts; have looked at another man and said “what if.” This scares the shit out of them and so they lash out at male homosexuals as a way to cover their insecurity.

    You notice that women aren’t the ones questioning manhood, right? Now, talk about insecurity in your sexuality…”I don’t know what I’m doing with women, AND I just thought about a man sexually.” How does a man not put up a front if he wants to live with himself?

    I’m not homosexual (not even bi-curious) but I’m smart enough to realize that the mind is a curious thing, and would naturally steer anyone toward that line of thinking. It’s my comfort with myself and my sexuality that allows me to smile, say “hmm, not interested” and move on with my manhood intact.

    And any guy who tells you differently is a bold-faced liar.

  5. No matter how many times I try to fight it, there is always a kernel of doubt lodged in my head, in my heart and in my libido that I gave up on my marriage too soon.

    There were some sexual issues on his part and I always felt that I worked hard with him to help, that I was caring, understanding and non-judgmental. But after 5 1/2 years there was no improvement. And I found myself so unhappy, so frustrated and so despondent about sex with my own husband that I finally had to say “it’s over.”

    But, there is still that seed…that if only I had held on, if only I had waited more, maybe I wasn’t sympathetic enough, maybe I wasn’t understanding enough, etc…etc..etc…

    It would drive me mad if I let it. So I tuck that little voice deep enough that I don’t always hear it’s buzzing. At what point is it okay to finally accept that things are NOT getting better? That things are NOT going to work out? And that it’s okay to move on?

    Insecurity comes in many forms. His was very much based on fear of not satisfying me. Mine was based on not being patient enough for him.

    We had very open and honest communication and it all still fell apart. Sometimes… it’s just not meant to be.

    But telling yourself that and believing it are two different things.

    Only the person with the insecurity can be responsible for silencing the fear in themselves.
    I learned that lesson.
    But I’m still having trouble applying it to myself.

  6. Mars–Not shocked by that. I lived in a military town for 7 years. Gives a whole new meaning to homophobic. I always wondered if some of that were not a self imposed anger at the surrounding of homosexual thoughts. I mean, you eat, sleep, shower, work, exercise….all in a vacuum of maleness. Even the women tried to be men. I mean, tied up in all of that maleness…guys did things like lift weights to extreme, chase women (alot), drive fast cars/bikes….all of the things that steep them in proving their manhood to each other. “Pack behavior” I think it is called. In truth, I believe most women will admit to homosexual thought too. We just dont run out and try to lift something heavy to prove we still belong to our gender. You know how Marine Corp family life is…you live to the edge of always deploying. I constantly had Marines at my house….sleeping in our spare room….hanging out on the weekend…just to get a feel of normal family life. A place where they could go back to being human beings…well, it like a family isnt it (in a non-pervy Uncle Chuck way!~~wink).

    Susan–yes, we must all hug Tom. You girl…are so welcome here too! Missed your sexy self lately.

    Princess–you and I have a date for margaritas and Hairspray!~~Dee

  7. Kitty…my dear. I will respond to you offline (email coming), but I want to say two things. First, I honestly believe that sometimes two people must let go of each other to show love. Second, we can not live in a world of “what ifs” and “maybes.” You never want to hurt someone you love, but how long are you unhappy before you are truly hurting each other anyway? By giving each of you a chance to find happiness (and you should do this!), you have given the greatest gift to someone you love. People avoid this because they think they should keep trying. To me, to make the choice you did commits to strength and courage to make your life whole again. I owe you a hug….I know you did all you could… I believe you would do no less!~~Dee

  8. Amazing post. I wish it were that easy to just let go of past relationships. You always wonder if you could not have done more. Knowing that you did all you could. Thank you for the help.

  9. Shellie….nice smile! Welcome. It is true. Saying that you will let it go is not so easy and knowing that you did all you could is hard, but in truth, we must stop hurting ourselves. Please stop by again.~~Dee

  10. I always wonder why it is that women seem to take the blame and think that doing more would help save the relationship. How about placing some of the blame where it belongs…on the lazy, out-of-touch selfish men who let the relationship die too?

    Trust me, ladies, you did more than they deserved. Really.

  11. Mars–They blame themselves because we are taught to blame ourselves. We are the keepers and fuel of all things domestic right? Plus, we have an odd belief that we can save those “lazy, out-of-touch selfish” men. We love them=we can save them. In most cases, we only end up struggling to save ourselves (sometimes–we dont even do that much!).~~Dee

  12. You’re right, Dee. It’s unfortunate, too, because while you try to save us, you lose yourselves in a losing battle. No one can change us except us, and we’re not very good at recognizing that we even need it.

    And even worse, the process usually enables us, because we learn that we can get away with it. It’s all a big mess. Maybe eventually we’ll get the message out that this isn’t the way it should work…

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