Pick a Fetish…

“To thine own self be true.”—One old English Guy (yes, I know Shakespeare!)

Today, I made a comment on someone else’s blog (who I graciously respect for his intelligence and honesty) to the effect of “the simple word ‘fetish’ bring people to a point of pain in the docs office trying to figure [it] out, but does it really matter?”  He quickly let me know that it did matter because we live in society and had to interface with our loved ones who may make us feel dirty/cheap/worthless for our fetishes.  I started to respond on his blog, but as I had taken up so much space there already, I decided to come home to rant.

First, when I say fetish…I want to make completely clear again that I am not talking about sexual deviated behaviors like “autoerotic asphyxiation.”  I want to be clear on this point.  If your sexual pleasures are derived from putting your life or someone else’s in danger, then get help immediately.  However, what I would like to do here is clear the good name of “Fetish” as the seeking of pleasure in ways that satisfies something deep within us and make us enjoy the world a little more.  Does it matter if it is shoes or latex or piercings?  Not really…what matters is when we engage in the activity, mentally or physically, for whatever reason, it strikes our sexuality into motion and brings a hummm to our bodies.  It lights a fire so deep that engaging makes the world ignite into more brillant colors.

If we only ever practiced the sexual pleasures that society approved of, then the concept of sex for procreation only (getting dizzy from the Catholic school teachings!) would have killed everyone’s sex drive centuries ago.  Such dogmas and mores never keep people from practicing their own version of sex or religion (we all believe in our own version of God….and what is acceptable within our beliefs).  Why would we run off to an analysts to examine why we are drawn to tight corsets, a pair of handcuffs with a pretty leather crop, a vibrating cock ring, or a pair of studded high heels…the point is that we are feeding into our sexuality at our very basic level and using it to make contact with the world in ways that are sexual, sensual, and primal

If you are saying to me now….yes, but you have people in your life that accept who you are….you are lucky.  Nope….not luck at all.  Think that The Marine believed that the little girl he dated and married after high school would grow up to become a porn queen?  Not likely (he might have hoped….giggle).  But I pick these people to be in my life.  They accept what I am or they leave.  No one has the right to even attempt to make me feel like I am dirty, cheap, or worthless for anything that I do.  Much less for my sexual choices.  I accept fetishes as a choice….much as I would accept homosexuality, bisexuality, or heterosexuality.  (Yes, heterosexuality is a choice too….being mainstream does not make it any less of a choice.)

For so many reasons, I have been stereotyped and confused with someone who gives a damn about the opinions of people who tell me I am an “aberration before God.”  Geezz…I have heard that before.  But, I can assure all that God and I….we are just fine.  Sometimes, I am quite sure he is up there laughing at me and shaking his head at my antics, but we are tight because He accepts who I am.  And, I surround myself with people who do the same.  I believe that each person loves the rebellious part of me that would rather live true to myself than conformed into silence.

It occurred to me later why it was so important for me to address this issue.  While a man corrected me based on fetishes being unaccepted by sexual partners and society, this is what women who accept their sexuality are dealing with now.  A man might not understand the importance of saying….this is who I am sexually…in a mainstream setting because men do not usually have to make that statement.  Until they address non-mainstream activities, like fetishes or homosexual behaviors, they don’t have to defend their right to stand up (pun intended) in society to say….sexually…this is it.  Women are making this sexual transition now and it can be quite painful.

BTW….on a side note….Pink Pussy….dear heart….the turkey baster is for your own personal pleasure.  A special gift of girly love from me to you!  We’ll have a house party and show you how to use it! ~~Dee

5 thoughts on “Pick a Fetish…

  1. Definition Fetish:

    3. Psychology: any object or nongenital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.

    I understand you wanting to redefine the word “fetish.” But psychologically, it is the above. And you can’t exclude life or limb threatening fetishes, either. (Yes, there is a fetish where people cut off parts of their bodies–toes, legs, arms…) Fetishes are “deviant” behavior in that they deviate from the baseline of “normal” human behavior. I don’t say that with judgment… but it’s important, I think, to look at our fetishes, and the meaning in them in our lives. What is my penchant for feet, or latex, or rubber gloves, trying to tell me? (And no, it’s not that I’m “BAD” and I should stop this wickedness before God strikes me down dead on the spot!) I think our fetishes have something to tell us… if we’ll listen. Redefining them may make us feel better, but it doesn’t really help us grow very much.

  2. But I pick these people to be in my life. They accept what I am or they leave. No one has the right to even attempt to make me feel like I am dirty, cheap, or worthless for anything that I do.

    Dee – first off, don’t worry about taking up comment space on my blog – WordPress is pretty liberal with that.

    Second, I understand that some people are more aware of themselves, sexually, and make better choices when choosing such partners.

    Unfortunately, many of us have little or no understanding of our kinks before we’ve married; some people never become comfortable enough expressing themselves with vanilla sex until well after marriage.

    Others, like me, are aware but for some reason are not communicating well with our partners. I thought Mrs. Edge was on board with the things that I used to describe to her; but she thought it was just some phase that I would grow out of. Next thing we know, five years have gone by and I’m feeling downright embarrassed to ask her – hell, to even talk about continuing some of the things that we were getting into when we were dating.

    And I can’t even imagine what it must be like for someone who – after 10 or 15 years of marriage – suddenly stumbles across something on the internet and realizes “Yes, this is what has been missing from my life!” and has no way to discuss it with their wife.

    I have a very sad story on my blog about a guy I used to know – Bob – who’s kinks ended his marriage, even though his wife knew about them beforehand. If you asked him now, I don’t think he’d agree that he’s been better off without her. My own marriage nearly broke up because of some serious issues in intimacy – not just sexual, but emotional.

    I have some friends who recently split up because of sexual differences that only surfaced after a dozen years of marriage. A shame, really, because they both grew totally apart in desire and in the way they wanted to express their sexuality.

  3. Selena–Years (too many for a good mental state) of college taught me not to define myself according to words one puts on a page. No matter who that person is or what their intentions must be they still have a bias that might not have my interests at heart. When I speak of life threatening fetishes, of course, I willing include anything that cuts off an apendage. See the previous post on clit removal. It is meant to understand there are differences between fetishes and sexually deviant behaviors. So, I respectfully disagree because I will never see myself as having “normal human behavior” and the world will never see me that way either. And, when I accept that I do not have to be that–I am stronger. I agree our fetishes have something to tell us, but sometimes, we live so far inside of our heads that we FORGET that sexuality is a human existence…in the purest state….and what makes us different from every other animal on the planet is our ability not to enjoy the act, but to enjoy the reason for the act. If that reason is being spanked or dipped in latex or tied up, then I think it should be enjoyed without the need to find out if it is has anything to do with wetting the bed as a child or one of my parents not loving me enough. Perhaps….a strange idea, I realize….but maybe it has only to do with me and what makes me tick sexually as a person. Perhaps I should not look for blame and responsiblity–instead take that responsiblity on myself to find HEALTHY way to express it.

    Tom–I realize that there is unlimited room on your blog and I thank you for extending the offer, but I needed to address the issues as it stands in my space and place. I must admit to all that I was quiet Catholic school girl (and I dont mean in the Britney Spears way). Did not know a thing about oral sex, masturbation, piercings, tattoos…nothing. As my thoughts about life and sexuality changed, grew, matured, the people around me accepted that or I put them to the curb. Literally. What I never understand is why human beings in long term relationships “expect” to maintain the status quo. Change is life…nothing stays the same. I dont love The Marine like I did 20 years ago. Now, I love him with a part of my soul I did not know I had. We have been through a war and a major life threatening illness (mine) together within the first year of our marriage. Fairy tales are fine for children, but when you have two strong people with minds and hearts in any relationship…there has to be that point of growth or dying. Sometimes, it is an unfortunate indicator when people find they are no longer compatible. Perhaps it is because so many relationship lack that defining moment, as we have had twice, when you had to look at someone with the knowledge that they *might* not be coming home again. At this point, we can discuss anything because we have walked through hell together. If The Marine came to me at the end of today and said he wanted to be with someone else….I want his happiness. He has said (as recently as yesterday) that I am in control of my body–he only shares it with me.

    All that said, is it a shame that people grow apart looking for themselves? Yes…but likely part of the process. This, IMHO, is at a point when people feel that they are or will sacrifice self to make a marriage work without return on the investment. The Marine and I make small adjustments as we go accepting that change into our lives. As human beings, we are so caught in linear thought of the happily ever after from the beginning to end that we forget there is alot of middle in there. I, for one, want his happiness above anyones…even my own. How can I do that? He wants my happiness above his own. We call that marriage and I believe that is what most people promise to do standing before a preacher. We have walked the walk. And, it sparkles when he looks at me and says, “I am proud of you” because he knows everything I have every done and all of my “freakiness” in ways no other person does.

    Thanks guys for the comments….good thoughts!~~Dee

  4. Looking for meaning in something is very different from looking to place blame or responsibility.

    In fact, if you want to take responsibility for your own sexuality–whether it deviates from the “norm” or not–one of the first steps is finding out what meaning there is in what you do/want/like/fantasize about. Yes, of course it has everything to do with you, and your own psyche. That’s the point.

    The goal isn’t to make everyone’s sex life “normal.” God forbid 🙂 But it’s useful to find out what your particular fetishes are trying to tell you… and why.

    As for redefining fetish… you certainly can, if you like. I can call the sky green and the grass blue if I want to. But words can be important, especially when we are striving for some sort of meaningful communication.

  5. Indeed Selena, but the first step is to strip the label off that makes someone ashamed of the feeling or action. If we cant do that, then there will never be communication–meaningful or otherwise–because people will refuse to talk about it! I love intelligent women!~~Dee

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