“I can’t wait!  It’s finally coming!”  Her face was completely flushed with excitement and I hoped she was saving some of that passion for the man sitting next to her.

“Why?” I asked, stopping the chatter around the table.  She smiled politely telling me that she was only humoring me.  It could not really be a question.  The chatter resumed. 

“Why?” I repeated again louder.  I knew I had been heard the first time, but I could not fathom why was not getting answer.  This time, when the group stopped talking, I became the center of none-too-polite focus.  You would have thought that I said one of their kids was ugly.  They swelled up as though I was attacking the very idea of womanhood and sexuality.

“Its a great show.  Sex in the City represents every type of sexual woman that exists and shows how they get along in one group.”  I blinked.  Wow…she could not really be serious, but to my total amazement, the women around the table were shaking their heads in agreement. 

Now, I have only been able to completely watch Sex in the City a hand full of times because I felt just the opposite.  The characters are merely cardboard, cleaned up representations of what real women experience sexually everyday.  I not only lacked the ability to identify with any of the four women…their relationships seemed equally as inane.  For example, consider:

• SITC Reality: One woman got knocked up out of wedlock.  Real World: Instead of getting married, she gets left to struggle with a job at Wal-Mart barely able to buy groceries for her and the baby. 
• SITC Reality: Woman is incredibly sexual (the bitch of the group of course!) and sleeps with every second guy in the room while going through his pockets for every dime she can find.  Real World:  That girl gets a STD or is found in a hotel room in a pool of blood.
• SITC Reality:  Girl chases big time guy and hooks him in the end.  Real World:  Married man….wealthy wife.  Where I am from, that cant be pretty in the end.

                

We will also totally skip the reality  of four women getting along in a group together and loving every little thing about each other so much that they can be completely honest with each other. 

Come on….do we really believe that these four girls represent the ideal or the reality of what sexual women should be?  What we are?  Give me Transformers or SG-1 anyday.  Least I understand those movies…and I am less likely to go to sleep in the middle.  ~~Dee

“Do I contradict myself?  Very well then I contradict myself,  I am large, I contain multitudes.”–Walt Whitman, “Song of Myself”

A few weeks back, Shay (of Janes Guide and The S Spot) asked about my use of the red and blue icons in my posts.  I never thought about it really except as an indicator to how I am feeling during that post.

You see…I am Gemini.  I am about everything Gemini represents including the ability and agility to swing from one mood into another mood at a moments notice.  PMS chics got nothing on me!  I go from crazy, giggly happy to serious, dont screw with me attitude without notice.  So, for me, the icons are a way for readers to gauge my moods and be warned. 

Generally speaking:

Red means spicy and sexual with passion.  Think edgy meets raw…that is a good place to start.  It can be something that makes me mad.  So, this can cover anything from hot erotica to pissed about politics.  It often denotes that my mind is highly invested and I want to shake the world into thinking about something in a bigger picture.  BUT, while swimming in my pool of dictonomy, it could also mean something hot and pleasurable with a deep sense of physicality to it.  These are things that engage me on an elemental level of being. 

Blue holds a deeper meaning for me.  It is the sensual side of my body and soul that mixes, often, with the playful side.  Although I tend to retain only enough of myself to be discrete, this is also where I suffer from the pains of sensitivity to my feelings for others and my misalignment with the world.  I write in this voice so often, I think, because it is closest to the nakedness I feel in the honest exposure of who I am.  So, here I can feels the in depth emotions ranging from sensuality to sadness.  As that is a large range, I tend to use this icon the most.

For me, this is an interesting idea because these are the truest make up of me–two sides combining to make one person–and perhaps the same can be said of every women.  From the sensual to the sexual and all the gambit of emotions and feelings in between, I am:

• aggressive and vunerable,
• bitchy and kind,
• critical and appreciative,
• intelligent and emotional,
• strong willed and painfully needy. 

                

And, I welcome all to my world of SexyWhispers!   ~~Dee

Most people get a really icky feeling down deep when they think about their parents having sex.  Ok…confession…I get that feeling too.  Dont even want to mentally walk that road.  Even though I know they must have (cause here I am!), I, like others in the world, would need a brain wash to shake those visuals. 

However, I was lucky in several ways.

All of my childhood, I never remember a time when sex was a taboo subject.  We discussed Roe v. Wade at the dinner table.  We talked about the issues surrounding abortion and I was actually given a voice to discuss my understanding of sexual ownership at a very young age.  We discussed the importance of safe sex in protecting you and your partner. 

In a way, it made me older than I needed to  be, but in a more realistic way, it prepared me to take a certain type of responsiblity for myself as both a woman and a sexual being.  Both of my parents took part in our sexual understand of self and gender roles.  For example, I did not have to wash the dishes on a given week because that was “womens work.”  I had to wash the dishes because it was my chore for the week.  It was a simple expectation.

But in quite another way, it made life harder for me too.  Because I had experienced such voice and right to my own opinion, when I walked out into society, I quickly found out that those traits were not prized among my peers or society as a whole. 

See…no one in my family ever told me what not to say….they only ever asked me what I thought.  So, years later, out of this misfit family, we have two nudists (The Brother and Sunshine) and one Porn Queen (yours truly!) with a Marine (which my dad teases The Marine is almost like having a drug dealer in the family!  Dad is ex-Army).  We all consistently walk outside of the rhelm of what society calls normal.  Both The Brother and I  have long term, happy marriages with wonderfully close friends of the opposite sex.  Our spouses also maintain close relationships with members of the opposite sex.

My discussion with The Brother or Sunshine might, at any given time, turn to the topic of sex as easily as not, but none of us are uncomfortable.  In our own insanity, it sounds something like “did you know that blow jobs are being replaced by foot fetishes as the number one fetishes in the country?” 

“I dont see that happening,” The Brother responds and nudges The Marine with a grin.  “Can you pass those cornflakes?”

Nope….we are not at all normal.  But, as I think of it, normal is kind of over rated anyways!  Thank you to my mother who taught us to walk our own path by looking inward…even if we have to fight the world to be who we are because that is the person we would have to answer for in the end.  Peace and cookies!  ~~Dee

As a marketer, I get tons and tons of womens magazines as “waiting room subscriptions.”  I think this is comical because I would not likely keep that type of magazine in my waiting room.  Cosmo proclaiming that they have their sexiest issue ever last month.  Glamour having their big diet issue.  Gossip magazines dishing the latest Britney breakdown or most beautiful people lowdown.

With humor bantered between us regarding the general drivel aimed at women, The Marine sent me the following for our Humor is Sexy posting.  Kisses to my man…for his humor and ability to laugh at the truly silly side of life. 

Enjoy!  And remember…live, laugh, love…and share it with someone else!  ~~Dee

WHY MEN SHOULD NEVER BE ADVICE COLUMNIST

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34 , and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counseling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

 
Sincerely,
Sheila
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Sheila,

Sure I can help!  A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

   
Good Luck,
Walter

Over the past 6 weeks, I have been keeping a secret (at least in theory…as anyone physically close to me knows already!).  I have been on a diet.  Generally speaking, I don’t like diets at all.  I think that they make women struggle with their self esteem in unhealthy ways and start a constant cycle of denial and eating.  But, after my trip to Savannah, I saw a picture and thought…”Is that me?”  For the first time in years, I stepped on a scale and found out something really shocking.  It was not only me….but me plus about 60 lbs.  Over the last 18 years of marriage, I had gained 60 lbs!
 
Now, that may seem really silly to say to some, but realizing that I was always that skinny kid (think—no boobs at all until I was about 25 years old and I was only 100 lbs).  At that time, the doctor changed my epilepsy meds and food became a friend.  More than that, as I was always able to eat whatever I wanted before, it was not even part of my mental make up to think that I would not continue to do so.   Further, as I spend much of my day glued to a computer, the opportunity to get in some laps at the gym was not there—even had I wanted to do so.

So..since then, I have lost almost 17 lbs and kicked in with a great exercise program.  Honestly, the exercise part is a real bitch, but as The Marine reminds me so often, “it’s easier to say no than to say yes!”  He has my number completely because I love to say YES!

But, all in all, I just wanted to take a few words to share with others what has helped me along the path.  I am not at my goal yet (which is 140 lbs.), but I am making it there! 

A few things that worked for me:

• I count carbs.  Look at the label and read the servings in the package.  We assume when we see something like 6 carbs that is for the whole package.  NOPE!  I read a soup label the other day that had 4 servings in one small package at 15 carbs per serving.
• If you go out to eat, then get a to-go box at the very beginning.  When the waitress brings it, shuffle half of the food into the box and close the lid.  Then only eat what is on your plate.  I have learned that it is not so much of what you eat—but how much!
• I am a chocolate freak.  It’s a need I cannot control.  So, I don’t try.  Hersey’s and Reese’s both have 100 calorie (6 carbs) candy bars.  They are about the size of your middle finger and kinda thin, but the taste is exactly the same.   Hersey puts out a dark chocolate and a mint milk chocolate—both are my best friends in life.
• Find some nuts.  Almonds are great for some crunchy snacks because they satisfy the appetite and taste good.  Be careful of the salt because it can make you retain water…but I love the taste.
• Veggie Juice after a workout.  My body loves the refueling feeling and I add alittle salt on top to replace the electrolytes.  Gives me a strong feeling of replacing what sweat washes away.
• Slimfast shakes (Chocolate Royale extra, extra cold) to replace breakfast.  Never in love with breakfast anyways, but that chocolate shot in the morning is awesome.  Something else I do…I open a warm can and put it into a bowl.  Put it in the freezer and by dinner you will have—you guessed it—ice cream!

And if anyone out there is trying the same and has a secret diet trick that works for them….share with us please!!   As always…no product endorsements.  Just some stuff I am doing and its working.  ~~Dee

Oddly, from a sexual perspective, there have been many controversial discussions as to whether size matters.  Most women, I believe, will easily tell a man before, during, or after a sexual encounter that size does not matter at all.  I will disagree with that because size is a completely controllable.  If you are confused by my understanding of male anatomy, then perhaps I should explain that, in my mind, we are not considering the size of a man’s sexual appetite or the reasonable size of his member (trying to be delicate as I used the word ‘dickhead’ in a sentence today to refer to an ex-coworker).

What amazes me when women consider the issue of whether size matters, they all too often forget that the size of a man’s heart does matter!  Now, I am sure that many women out there will readily say, “Of course, that is just stupid!”  Fair enough.  My question is then what does a man do to show you that he loves you?  Before you start to stutter off a list of responses that range from flowers to romantic dinners, please realize that is the male adaptation of a female version of love and romance.  If left to men, in general, I believe that the florist, greeting card, and jewelry industries would be out of business within a month.  Hummm….that might not be a bad thing.

But, in reality, there are many ways that men naturally show their level of affection for a woman that fall outside of the range of our expectations.  And, because we, as women, are not geared to think of those things as acts of love—merely their duty as a man—we don’t appreciate that innocence at which these acts are performed.  I know that I certainly would have a wild rebellious screaming fits while running into the street if anyone explains to me society’s expectations of me as a woman or wife because I don’t want anyone’s expectations reflected upon me. 

However, when the trash needs to be taken out or the lawn mowed, does that reflect any less of a gift than a bouquet of flowers?  When he gets up at 5 am to go to work, every day, because he believes in supporting his family, does that say love any less than a greeting card?

What I think happens is that we fill young girls heads so full of fairy tales of knights on white horses rescuing damsels in distress that it is destroying to the image of relationships and marriage when a man does something as un-glamorous as turn the coffee on in the morning or remembers to pick up your favorite flavor of ice cream at the grocery.  Incredibly…I usually find my socks back in my sock drawer every week (I hate folding socks) and the VCR taping my favorite shows when I have to work late.  To me, that is a hell of a lot of magic. 

So, in the end, I ask….does size matter to you?  If so, look for the small things because they add up to something much bigger.  ~~Dee

There are many things that can disrupt the lives of couples.  Often, at the first sign of trouble, the natural inclination of women is to hold on tighter.  Like that marry-go-round I rode so innocently as child, spinning round and round until I fell on the ground dizzy and disoriented, being separated from your partner can be equally as confusing.  Not for the temporary distance or the lack of companionship—I think—but, because we are again forced to face our biggest enemy alone: ourselves.

Last week, The Marine had to switch over to work second shift and this week he is working third shift.  I feel a complete wonder at the ridiculousness of the existence of doing small things without another person.  For example, I wonder into the kitchen at the appropriate time for dinner and just stand there like I am waiting for Divine intervention to intercede.  I can almost feel the giddiness as I imagine that the Lord laughing at me and saying, “take the stir fry.”

Silly?  Perhaps! 

But the point is that there are so many things that we take for granted in relationships because we are so busy doing other things and wishing our lives away with trivial drivel such as worrying about work.  Instead of changing the things we can change, we sit ideally by and act surprised when we are left in the house alone…without the comfort of that strong hand on your shoulder …that warm soul that cuddles us near at night…that sweet whisper in our ear that brings peace to my being. 

For these two weeks, I am very grateful.  When I spend time with myself, I realize why I married The Marine.  Because of all we share and all we are together, we are stronger together than we ever are apart.  He gives me breath and reminds me of my humanity.  He wades into the waters when it gets too deep for me and drags me out before the current takes me under.  He accepts the person I am while challenging / expecting me to be more.  And, when I am too hard on myself, he smiles and reminds me of reality.

Many will tell you that you should never invest everything you are in one person.  I will tell you that you should only invest everything you are in the right person…with an equal investment in you.  Its like someone walking up to you and saying, “I will give you 1 million dollars if you spend it all in one week.”  Would you say…”No, I dont wish to take all that money because it will be gone in a week?”  I think not.  You would start picking out the best places around to buy shoes!

Until his return at dawn, I will be sleeping with the enemy.  But, in a truly ironic sense, dawn will bring him home with the renewal of hope for another day.  One day, for one of us, I realize that will not be the case.  This isolation will become complete and real as one of us wont return home.  I, for one, will find every ounce of happiness I can while it lasts!

Live, love, laugh….and share it with someone else!  Invest in those you love and NEVER hestitate to tell them so.  ~~Dee

I know…I know.  It Humor is Sexy Friday and this is really gross…not so funny, so not so sexy.  But, health can be very sexy too!  A sexy woman I know from overseas sent me this in an email.  I post it here because–if you are hear reading it–then you are at risk.  I promise you will never look at your keyboard the same way again…I am going to put mine in the washer right now.  I wonder how it will do in the spin cycle?  Maybe with alittle Woolite for delicates?  Read on… and remember…live, laugh, love….and share it with someone else (after you clean your keyboard!).  ~~Dee

BBC-Thursday, 1 May 2008 10:26 UK

Some computer keyboards harbour more harmful bacteria than a toilet seat, research has suggested.  Consumer group which said tests at its London offices found equipment carrying bugs that could cause food poisoning.  Out of 33 keyboards swabbed, four were regarded as a potential health hazard and one harboured five times more germs than one of the office’s toilet seats.

Microbiologist Dr Peter Wilson said a keyboard was often “a reflection of what is in your nose and in your gut”.

During the tests in January this year, a microbiologist deemed one of the office’s keyboards to be so dirty he ordered it to be removed, quarantined and cleaned.  It had 150 times the recommended limit for bacteria - five times as filthy as a lavatory seat tested at the same time, the research found.  The equipment was swabbed for bugs, such as those that can cause food poisoning like E.coli and staphylococcus aureus.

Dr Wilson, a consultant microbiologist at University College London Hospital, told BBC Radio 5 Live sharing a keyboard could be passing on illnesses among office workers.  “If you look at what grows on computer keyboards, and hospitals are worse, believe it or not, it’s more or less a reflection of what’s in your nose and in your gut,” he said.  “Should somebody have a cold in your office, or even have gastroenteritis, you’re very likely to pick it up from a keyboard.”

One of the causes of dirty keyboards was users eating lunch at their desk–crumbs encouraging the growth of bacteria.

Poor personal hygiene, such as not washing hands after going to the toilet, could also be to blame, it said.

Cleaning techniques

Computing editor Sarah Kidner advised users to give their computer “a spring clean”.

“It’s quite simple to do and could prevent your computer from becoming a health hazard,” she said.

• She said dust and food crumbs should be shaken out of keyboards and they should be wiped with a soft, lightly dampened, lint-free cloth.
• They should also be disinfected with alcohol wipes.

       

Research by the University of Arizona last year found the average office desktop harboured 400 times more bacteria than the average office toilet seat.

They also found that, compared to men, on average women have three to four times the amount of germs in, on and around their work area.

The coolest part of what I do with SexyWhispers is getting to meet the sexy women who are living “la vida loca!”  One such woman is Sarah of SmartBitches, a site that “reviews romance novels from a couple of smart bitches who will always give it to you straight. No bullshit. No gushing–unless the author really deserves it. ”  Ah…sexy women after my own heart.

I met Sarah on a dark and stormy night in a small bar on the outside of town between here and no where you have ever been.  Thunder streaked across the sky as rain ran down between the swell of her heaving bosom.      

Ok…so, I met her online, but that version could have been much better! I really wanted to do an interview with her because I enjoy her wit and intelligence as well as the flair with which SmartBitches does what so many women forget to do–enjoy your erotica or “trashy novels.” 

Sarah…thank you for the interview.  SexyWhispers reader…I give you Sarah of SmartBitches:

1–Give us alittle background on Smart Bitches

Smart Bitches started purely because Candy and I wanted to subject romance novels to the same critical treatment we gave to other books as part of our English degrees, and because we wanted a place where we could dish and talk shit about romance novels. We honestly had no idea that people other than ourselves would be interested in reading it.

2–What would you consider your greatest accomplishment as a woman?

My greatest accomplishment as a woman? Everything I do that I’m proud of, from being with my family to writing on our website, from living up to my expectations to exceeding them every now and again.  That is entirely a wussy answer, but I’m sticking with it.

3. What is a turn off for me in a romance novel?

That’s a LONG LIST. Right now? Cruelty as a plot device that appears late in the novel for no reason other than to heighten the dramatic impact of the conflict, and stereotypical cardboard characters acting in rote mix-and-match scenes that could be in any novel or every novel.

4–What is one thing that is on your TO DO list of Life still?

Just one? There are so many things to do on my list to do that picking one? I can’t put that on the to-do list! You can’t make me!

Aw, crap. Ok. One thing that’s still on my list of things to do in LIFE? Learn to speak to myself in the same supportive and enthusiastic manner with which I speak to other people. I’m my own worst critic.

5–What is one thing that you are glad that you will never have to do again?  What did you learn from it?

Man, you ask hard questions. Let me see. I’m glad I won’t have to be a teenager again. I learned how to rely on myself and not put so much stock in what other people think or in what I’m being told I ought to be/say/do/look like/think/act, but the experience of being told by every possible media outlet that I couldn’t ever possibly measure up to standard was incredibly sucktastic. Now I’m old enough to know that I can ignore most of the so-called advice but even now, I’d shudder to be a teenager again.

From every interview I do, I always walk away with a small feeling of knowing a sexy woman better and a large feeling of empowerment when I realize that “hey…I have done / felt that too!”  Such is the case with Sarah’s answers for #4 and #5!  I want never to be a teenager again with people telling me what I should think / feel / do and I really need to learn to speak to myself with the same love I give to others.  Truer words were never spoke and her wisdom is so evident!

Plus, I really really love me some of a sexy woman that can use “sucktastic” in a sentence.  Thank you again Sarah…talk soon.   ~~Dee

“I am easily satisfied with the very best.”–Winston Churchill

“You know what your problem is?”  Anytime a conversation starts this way, there are two things I know someone is about to tell me.

Something I don’t really want to hear and it is usually based on an outside, possibly remote observation, of my behavior.  Interestingly enough…this sentence always piques my interest because I have spent over 30 years trying to find my “problem.”

“You problem is that you just don’t like women.”  I was silent in shock.  I wanted to laugh, but he was so serious.

No, quite the contrary, I like women well enough to make them my mission in life.  I like women well enough to want to empower every single one with the strength of their own sexuality.  I like women well enough to care if even one wakes up in the morning feeling insignificant or small in her world.  I like women well enough to feel pain when just one struggles with her existence or cowers when she needs to be strong.

It is easily confused, I suppose, because I expect so much more out of women than I do from men.  I expect a higher degree of humanity and natural intelligence.  I expect women to care about each other with a deeper level of compassion and to lend a hand when needed to make other women stronger.  Instead of picking teams in an “us vs. them” mentality so popular in high school, I expect us to admire the best in each other and understand the worst.

Yes, I like women just fine…but, with all that I expect….the very best of each one of them, they don’t tend to like me.  I am way too honest and transparent.  I openly discuss my own shortcomings easily.  So, I get picked last for all of the girlie teams… I dont do make up sessions or long chats on the phone.  I dont gossip over morning coffee or cut another woman down for a choice that has nothing to do with me.  I wont revel in the pain of another woman or down grade her talents…even if I dont like her. 

And, I will never forget for a second what it feels like to be left out of the group.

As long as I look in the mirror and see the person that I want to see, I am learning to be ok with that part of loving myself as well as encourage the best in other women.   ~~Dee